Bars and Boyfriends

Again with the dreaming:

Felicity Huffman and I are coworkers, and on a road trip through Europe. We’re trying to get back home but the car breaks down, so we find a last-minute flight to Las Vegas (of course) to meet up with my family and get a ride back to our hometown. Once in Vegas, there’s some confusion as to when we and the family are leaving. I asked to “borrow” the shower of a hotel guest, but was interrupted and told that the family was leaving immediately, thus creating a throwing-all-shit-haphazardly-into-suitcase, madwoman-running-to-rental car scene.

Felicity and I finally arrive back in our town, and decide to stop in to the bar to see what our work schedule will be that week. Discover we’re scheduled to work THAT NIGHT. Like RIGHT NOW. No chance to go home, change, freshen up, nothing. We have to stay and start setting up the bar (AM I MAKING THIS CLEAR PEOPLE?). Felicity is chatting with people as I’m trying to find glasses and other bar stuff. This Guy-I-messed-around-with-in-high-school (okay, just one evening I helped him cheat on his girlfriend) comes in with his friends and they all order Fat Tire and some odd Jager+ beer combo. I’m still trying to find regular pint glasses. All I can find are skinny 2-foot-high tube glasses, mini goldfish bowl glasses, and a Fat Tire promotion glass with a little glass peg sticking out of it, like a bong. I get back to the bar, Felicity is still chatting obliviously to people. I serve the guys their drinks and This Guy slaps down money to pay for the round- it’s a $1002-dollar bill. I think this is a joke, but then again, maybe it’s real and I just haven’t hung out in the right (wealthy) circles to have seen such a rare bill before…

Next up comes Lindeman (aka my sometime boyfriend from the 6th, 7th, and then again 8th grades). He has a 2 year old daughter in tow. We catch up for a bit, talking about letting ourselves go, etc. Felicity inexplicably takes a sudden interest in my goings-on, starts making fun of me for losing it after a break up, not eating, not showering, etc. It’s embarrassing, and frankly, the bitch came out of nowhere with that shit. Meanwhile, Lindeman’s daughter has gotten into a vat of pesto (sure), and has it all over her shirt, her face, hands, etc. Out of sympathy, Lindeman looks at me, then asks his daughter what happened to daddy when mommy went away (died). The girl talks about daddy not taking care of her, or the house, or himself, everything was always dirty, etc. Lindeman picks her up and hugs her, getting pesto all over himself and suddenly looks very dirty and haggard. He gives me such an intense look of “I’ve been there, I get it” that I feel instantly better. He goes off to clean himself up while I keep an eye on his daughter, who is now outside with her teddy bear. I turn to Felicity and wistfully say “I used to date such. nice. guys.”

Just as I head outside to watch Lindeman’s daughter, I see a semi approaching at top speed. The child is way too close to the curb, the semi swerves up and over the curb, I see an object fly up in the air and the truck bumper slams into it. I say (to the universe in general) “you have GOT to be kidding me!” and start running over to the scene of the accident. I’m thinking “that was a trick, of course she wasn’t hit, it must have been her teddy bear that was thrown through the air.” I do see the child, unharmed, crawling over to the middle of the street to retrieve her bear. As she’s crawling, she opens her mouth, slowly sticking out her tongue… which unravels down her chin to the ground and along it, stretching 13 inches or so. And then the end of the tongue turns into a giant foot (!) which creeps forward towards the bear. So now I know this can’t be real (in my dream, I’m quick, just like in real life).

Just then, I hear this weird tribal dance music start up from behind me. I turn, and Lindeman is coming through a shiny curtain to dance a show tune number on a stage that’s been set up. I realize the theme of my day and that this will be a show of all my ex-boyfriends. And then John Stamos joins Lindeman on stage, dancing and singing and parading around. Just as I’m thinking “Weird, you’d think I’d remember dating John Stamos,” I wake up.

And now, I’m exhausted. But I’m kind of scared to go back to sleep. Dave Coulier might be dancing up on that stage with Johnny.

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