Bringing up Baby

In response to my (uncomfortably hesitant, because how is this anyone’s business?) statement that if (BIG. IF.) the kid route is ever taken, it will most likely be through adoption or fostering years from now: “Oh, make sure you get a baby, cuz you know some of those older kids have murdered their adoptive parents in their sleep.”

I've actually heard this argument against adoption/fostering many times, from many people of varying levels of education and life experience. Usually the exchange has been prompted from someone (again, whose business I’m sure it isn’t) clinging to the obligation of all people everywhere having babies, because “everybody should have at least one." Really? That wasn’t in my manual. Besides, I’m thinking the Duggars have taken care of this duty for me and probably 10 of my friends. Thanks JimBob!

Sometimes the pressure comes to a head and I start to imagine a life with a child in tow, start to believe this can be accomplished with ease, that molding a little human being into a mini-me (but better, with more music lessons and sports playing) would be A Great Idea. And we'd take it everywhere, and buy outfits that matched everything we wore and did, it'd be the perfect accessory to our Adult Life, greater than that Hilton girl with the teeny tiny dog. Plus! Free lawn service, dish duty and dog walking after the first few years. Then I wake up and run back to the safety of the no kids camp.

Selected bits from my life to illustrate how I know I am not in the right place to conceive and raise a child:

-I quite enjoy having money (what little of it we manage to hold onto). And I quite QUITE enjoy Peace And Quiet and Time To Myself.

-Those new 4D ultrasound photos creep me right the fuck out.

-I’d spend the entire pregnancy secretly praying that my baby won’t be ugly (after the mandatory first month during which that wrinkly, just-came-out-of-someone, misshapen head stuff gets straightened out, of course)

-I’m the one at Wal-Mart that shot you a Dirty Look for letting your 5 little blessings run rampant through the feminine hygiene aisle. I’m also the one that came this close to sympathy-vomiting, before shooting you a Dirty Look when your child ralphed all over the cosmetics aisle at Target. No idea how you people don’t go postal.

-I still have moments while babysitting my niece that I think it would be much easier (and not too terrible, right? I mean, she probably wouldn’t even remember it. Or hey! We could make it into a game!) to put her in one of the dogs’ crates so we can make dinner/light the grill/load laundry.

-I watch many a Super Nanny episode thinking “Naughty chair my ass, those kids need a good spank. Or three.” Or, as Monk said last night after watching some little monster smack, kick and bite his mother, “that were my kid, he’d be pickin’ his teeth out of his brain.” We’ll be moving to our new double-wide next week.

**Obligatory disclaimer: Of COURSE I am not anti-children. Of COURSE I am awed by the miracle of life. Of COURSE I have nothing but the highest respect for the people that choose to take on the awesome responibility of raising another human being. Of COURSE I do not trip your children on purpose when they are running wildly through the grocery store.**

2 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

That is too funny. And don't feel bad if you decide you don't want kids. There's nothing wrong with that. I love my little man and he brings me alot of joy, but children suck the life right out of you. And all of the money out of your wallet. But if you are ready for them, you don't mind the sacrafices and you won't resent them.

And what really drives me crazy is that so many pro-lifers are the ones most adverse to adoption. My family is like that. They think every embryo should be born but THEY don't want to have to pay for them or raise the children in need of homes now. Drives me crazy... We may go the route of adoption someday too...

There are so many people out there that secretly didn't want kids but "caved" to the pressure... And now they feel trapped. SO do what's best for you and to hell with what other's think... :-)

3:34 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

P.S. I was so scared I'd have one of those demon kids but my little man is pretty sweet (wild but sweet) and I agree with you... I don't know what people are thinking when they take a sick kid to Target and the kid pukes all over the place. Or these people take their three young kids to a nice restaurant. I PAID a babysitter to get away from one screaming child and now I have to deal with three of yours? I want to sterilize these people on the spot.

3:38 PM  

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