Throw me a bone

I have started this entry over about five times now, and if I continue to do so, it will never get written. I’m sure everyone’s doing the bated breath routine right now, so I’d better just bulldoze through this intro.

(Seriously, though, how on earth to relay Boss’s saving File B over File A, then asking me to recover File A from our tricky backup network drive, without putting everyone in a boredom coma??? That wasn’t supposed to be rhetorical. Hello? WAKE UP!)

So this recovered document is up on my computer screen, and since my review is coming up (it’s actually quite overdue) I have begun the jealous girlfriend escapades which include looking through loose papers she leaves on her desk, perusing my personnel folder, and now, sifting through random discussion points in this document, hoping to land on a salary increase update. Pay dirt! And by that, people, I do mean that the salary increase note next to my name indicated that I will be getting a pay raise the equivalent of dirt (after taxes). Even better, I will most likely be told of the change after it’s been submitted and be expected to wag my tail enthusiastically and thank Boss profusely for the mountain she has moved for me. Instead, I have composed this Thank You card, because momma always said a card means so much more to someone than a simple verbal thank you:

Dear Boss,

Thank you so much for the less than 3% raise I will receive whenever the HR department gets around to executing it. You weren’t kidding when you told me during my interview that there would be some terrific monetary compensation to look forward to!

I admit, I have been a little concerned in the past year about the hours I put in every day, with no regular lunch breaks or otherwise (of course I’m grateful for the work weeks that grant me one or sometimes even two 30-minute breaks), but with this less than 3% raise, I can definitely see how much the company values my time and effort here. I know now that that awkwardness when I was first hired (remember, the staffing company quoted me one starting salary, but it was actually a much lower one in reality?) is behind us.

I also need to ask you to please disregard that salary increase memo I was going to bring to our review meeting. There is now obviously no need to discuss my (trivial, really) reasons for arrogantly believing I should receive a significant increase in pay. It truly is my pleasure to work for you, and I look forward to continuing to do the job of the two people before me (one full-time and one part-time), as well as assisting the Director of Training as needed, for thousands under market parity.

I know how hard you’ve worked in creating and implementing our brand-new program that awards $60k in jewelry, theater tickets, travel and cash to the winners of the recruiting championship; it must have been exhausting to request even more money from the NY office for my little position. I know the CEO sure is a silly-head stickler-poo about these matters. You really went to the mat for me, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

Good luck with my replacement,

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