11.02.2005

The Doctor Is In


It is quite common for women to buy bras in a certain size for years and years, until one day someone turns them on to the idea of getting “professionally sized.” Of course, we are generally hesitant to enter a store and have a stranger’s hands on us, (judging) measuring our rack (or in my case, lack thereof). The fitting is, however, free of charge, which makes it more alluring. Most of the time, this professional sizing delivers the lesson that “hey dumbass, you’ve been squeezing your breasts into the wrong shape and size for ages!” And then the journey of comfortable undergarments can finally begin. (I know of no such similar experience for men. Perhaps I’m just not privy to the conversation my male friends may have with their buddies about the day Coach helped them realize they’d been wearing the wrong size jockstrap [well! Didn’t that sound perverted!], or the time they were fitted for a condom. I suspect these issues never come up. If I’m wrong, someone please enlighten me.)

But it is interesting that most people don’t seem to pay much attention to how something fits, be it clothing, athletic shoes, evidence of adultery… And we all know of the people that wake up one day with the epiphany that their current relationship is over. Or that it should be. “Terribly sorry, I’ve been under the impression that this was the right fit for me, but it turns out it isn’t” may be the simplest and truest explanation, but one that would never be fully appreciated by the significant other. So. What if there were Professional Sizers of Relationships available to us? And don’t tell me they are called therapists, because those cost money and usually have some sort of fucked up availability, so you can never get an appointment when you really want/need one. How great would it be to go out running errands and get the unexpected bonus of someone telling you quickly and objectively if you are in the right relationship? And all this without making a purchase! So many people spend years in a relationship, waffling between moving on (and how to do it gently?) and hanging on (and how to do it gracefully?), while their friends practice tact and diplomacy in their ears, when what they really need is a professional opinion (“hey, dumbass, you’ve been squeezing your emotions and energy into the wrong person for ages!”) that they don’t have to pay for. This way, bailing out of the relationship can be further justified: "It's not just me, this is the expert opinion of the Professional Sizer of Relationships!"

I am hereby offering my services as a P.S.R., for the good of all mankind. The mall nearby won’t let me wander around their shops, offering strangers love life advice, so I’ll be working from home for now. Email inquiries are welcome while the office is getting set up. And I promise I won’t call you a dumbass. Unless you like that sort of thing.

1 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

Eloquent and entertaining at the same time!

5:12 PM  

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