11.03.2005

I do. Really.

I spent most of my pre-university life looking at Marriage as abhorrent, pointless, or oppressive (depending on the week), and generally not for me. My attitude was temporarily turned around in college, and never quite bounced back to its former not-in-my-lifetime conviction. Later, Monk came on the scene and took the capital M out of the word for me. He helped me see (without uttering a single persuasive argument) that marriage is more about choosing to go through life’s adventures with someone who can happily be described as your best friend, as opposed to the suffocating institution I held in my mind.

I still don’t believe that marriage is for everyone; even now I do not consider myself a true convert to the pro-marriage stance. I don’t think “forever” is locked in, just because you say it out loud. I can argue circles around myself, noting both sides of the “just a piece of paper” issue. I'm the one who has been told throughout the years that I'm "not the marrying type." So even though we all know people don’t come with Owner’s Manuals, I still think Monk could have used a heads-up.

Because you can have a beautiful relationship, honor your commitment and every morning choose to stick around through another day with the person, but still want to kick your spouse out of the bed. Or the house. Frequently (and not out of anger, but because Sharing is still HARD WORK). There are plenty of moments that I forget how great marriage can be, and focus only on how settled our lives have become, how Marriage means I can never take my dog and move to another state at the spur of the moment again, never again spend a whole weekend alone and silent, never again be responsible for no one’s shit but my own, never again have a night of sleep unaffected by another person or his alarm clock… There are a lot of Never Agains. Sometimes my subconscious gets hold of these Never Agains and runs with them, stirring up other characters like Regret, Mood Swing, Idealist and Bitch, and they all go off frolicking towards Depression, sometimes picking up Resentment along the way. Suddenly I become difficult, irritable, put-upon, scornful and withdrawn. It’s not a new persona, but when I was single it could be packaged as something more romantic or eclectic. Or no one had to see it at all. I could hole up for a few days and weather the storm until a Normal Person emerged.

In present life, unfortunately, Monk gets subjected to this mess. Poor guy. He’s just trying to live his life with some dogs on the couch and a person to hang out with, make a decent living and get laid on a semi-regular basis. At the Difficult times, I slip deep into self-loathing for inflicting this psycho shit on him, at the same time simmering with resentment and frustration because he can’t possibly understand the chemical imbalance in my brain. In my fantasies of my Other Life, I am Normal all the time, which leaves nothing for my imagined partner to “handle,” so no missteps can be taken with my heart, consequently no one makes me feel alone, mismanaged and inevitably let down.

I know the clouds will pass, they always do eventually, and we can return to our regularly scheduled program where I am together, confident and interesting (“who told her she was interesting?” Shut it). In the meantime, someone give this guy a medal. Or a bj, depending on how his day is going.

Q NOTE: You would not believe some of the weirdness that comes up when you Google “marriage” as an image. I decided to go with the one that made me giggle and shudder at the same time. I hope it’s as good for you as it was for me.

1 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

I'm guessing he'd probably rather have the Bj! heehee.

That reminds me... I think I "owe" my hubby one. heehee.

5:14 PM  

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