Now I Know

My performance review occurred yesterday, finally, and put me out of my misery. You know how you can obsess over something long enough, explore all the angles, process each hypothetical outcome, and then when the thing actually happens, you’re just completely over it? No? You expect me to believe I am the only one who does this?

I’ve been agonizing over this review since September (a.k.a. the Month it Should Have Happened), so after ranting to Monk, friends, family, strangers on the street (“NO! REALLY! Don’t you think I should be getting more props and LOTS MORE MONEY? Why are you running away?!”), preparing my case, recording examples of my brilliance, drawing diagrams and creating scale models illustrating Productive Quinn in Action, and procuring evidence of every other Assistant in the area that does the same thing at a higher rate of pay, well, I just wanted to take a nap. Instead, I was subjected to an hour of being told how Very Good and Outstanding I am, and how the Areas For Improvement are not applicable to me because, shucks, I can just do no wrong. Torture, people, clearly. Oh, and how Boss is also great because IF the company decides it can afford (ha ha!) to give across-the-board raises to its employees, and SINCE the raises will be in the 1-3% range, she will be recommending me to receive the highest possible raise WITHIN that range. You’ll understand why I don’t quite feel as though I’ve won the lottery here. Unfortunately, the whole episode was so pleasant and positive that I had no appropriate moment to insert my thinly veiled pay-me-more-or-I-will-quit-and-you-will-be-hard-pressed-to-find-another-sucker-to-take-my-place threat. Instead, I politely handed over my salary increase request (pie charts and dioramas included) and said something (weak and stupid) like “no time like the present to ask for more money heh heh heh!” What happened to the girl who, in her New Mexico days, made her boss cry? Because she clearly did not accompany me to my performance review.

Boss and I also worked on my Objectives for the Coming Year. Although I personally believe my main objective is to continue to squirrel away as much money as possible so Monk and I can start our business ASAP, and also not go raving lunatic postal on Boss in the near future, she had some other ideas: I will be responsible for securing a Real Office for us. Apparently Boss has decided we are growing too big to continue these home office shenanigans. I don’t know, I’ve grown quite fond of Housekeeper vacuuming 80 times a day, the urge usually hitting her when I am on an Important Call. Oh, and when Boss’s sons use my computer over the weekend, it’s so amusing to log on Monday morning and be greeted by SexyAmoeba on AIM. There is just so much I will miss.

An additional Official Objective will be to eventually hire an assistant. For me! An assistant to the assistant to the president. But where oh where can I find someone with all the necessary computer skills and a not-annoying personality, who will be willing to work part-time hours? I suppose I can always misrepresent the assistant’s role and make up some terrific perks of the job- oh wait, that’s been done before.

Meanwhile, Boss has asked me to come up with a list of tasks that can be assigned to my new assistant. I have already made some definite headway on this:

*Database maintenance
*Open or close the office (depending on Q’s plans for the week or, like, if she’s really tired that morning)
*Basic office correspondence
*Bring Q coffee (and sometimes a bagel or a donut, or go get her some candy) as needed
*No talking before 11 a.m. (although exceptions can be made to tell Q how pretty she is)
*Answer phones

Well, it’s a start.

*UPDATE: Significant raise with the disclaimer that I should not expect another salary increase until 2008. I'm pretty sure any remaining work ethic just went down the toilet.

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