Rub you long time


It was going to come up sometime.

No pun intended.

(I don't recommend Googling "happy ending" images at work without any search filters in place. Yowza.)

(It's even better when your computer freezes up on the, ahem, fancier results, just as you hear the boss approaching.)

I started to psyche myself out on the way to the orientation class yesterday. I admit to looking at this as a chance to redeem myself, study-wise (sure, degree program, massage school, totally the same thing). I feel as though I have to prove I can actually apply myself and study and read etc. when I should, as opposed to whenever I can squeeze it in between drinking and over-dramatizing. In true over-dramatizing form, however: I passed the UT Dallas campus just as a wee nerve monkey took up residence in my stomach. "Gosh," I thought, "can you imagine if I had to drive to a real campus, and go to, like, a real class every night?!" (in my head, I am quite the Valley Girl) and then the other inner voice chimed in: "Hold the phone, remember all the reading and testing and State Board certification stuff? Methinks this is a Real Class situation, ace" and flip! went the monkey in my stomach. The voice went on: "Remember how this is supposed to be a career change for you, and you don't even know if you'll be any good?" flip! flip! Still the old bitch had more: "Remember all that dough you laid down, like some drunken marathon gambler desperately betting the last of the mortgage money on Keno, to have no life, no time at home, no alone time, no phone time, etc. until maybe September?!" flip! flip! flip!

So that was great. I clubbed the inner bitch over the head and managed to appear somewhat calm and collected when I arrived for the orientation.

The teacher spent the first twenty minutes getting to know us with a (let’s all roll our eyes together) meet-and-greet that involved (here’s where we pull an eye muscle) one of those "if you were a bug, which bug would you be and why?" exercises, which was probably used to analyze and judge us on the spot (hmmm, rethinking my answer now*). Once we were all feeling cozy and relaxed she came out with this "I expect perfection" bit that had us all doing the sit-up-straight, nod-like-you-cannot-agree-more thing. Oh, and the no underwear policy. That's right. How many of you can say you've had a class with a strict No Underwear policy (we're also getting a toga lesson- sweeeeet)? Well, I assume we're allowed to keep it on for the lecture nights, as the people running the school don't appear to be savages.

So, blah blah, orientation, read a bunch for next week, watch this video seventy thousand times over the weekend... I'll end this on the same note of perplexity with which we all left the orientation last night:

In the middle of the class this strange man with crinkly eyes and a spring in his step walked in, looking as though he had just come from a fraternity alumni dinner, and proceeded to speak at us for about twenty minutes. No one could grasp quite who he was or how he fit into the school, and why he thought it would be okay to interrupt, but I was able to catch the following, cloaked as it was in a thick Louisiana drawl:

- something something "buying the school"
Note: wait, WHAT?! I can barely handle all the syllabus changes!

- "...freaks vs. techies, and whether you believe in that stuff or not, whether you like it or not, I ask you to respect it, and I am, obviously, a freak."
Note: Obviously.

-"Freaks" are people who believe in and practice things like psychic body scans, and some are Knowers, and some are Seers. This dude is a Seer and can perform party tricks like "I told her she was having a boy, and the next day, she called me from the doctor's office, just, like 'WOW HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?'" He offered to meet with each of us individually and perform a body scan that would amaze us with how much he would find out about us.
Note: I'd have to decline just in case he could read my mind or something. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. Or give away my bank PIN.

-"Ellen from Arizona is coming out, and Randy from New York... Also Kevin will be visiting... You should all come out on Saturday, you'll just be blown away..." Note: Who are these people he's mentioning? Are they like the superstars of the psychic healing world? Isn't it pointless to name drop to a room full of people with giant question marks suspended above their heads?

- still with the name dropping: "Kevin will go around and just touch you on the shoulder, or the head or just, anywhere! And, you'll, WHOOSH! feel the energy, like a line of FAR! [fire] shoot clear down through you to your toes! Man, it's a trip."
Note: I'm sorry, Kevin will touch me where, exactly?

-about his accent: "You can tell I'm from Louisiana, and my girlfriend's from New York, so we meet in the middle and talk Texan now."
Note: If the "middle" = "Texan" I'll eat m' dang hat.

*I said I’d choose to be a locust, because they get to sleep a lot. Way to impress the teacher on the first day! In my defense, with the exception of a caterpillar, everyone else wanted to be a ladybug, so I should at least get points for originality.

3 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

I like your locust comment.

11:22 PM  
Anonymous skyhawk said...

Congrats on taking the first step into something new! Don't worry about whether you'll like it as much as you expect to, or if it should be a "CAREER MOVE! EEP EEP EEP!" Just enjoy it. :-)

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Pickle said...

"Superstars of the psychic healing world" made me laugh out loud, alone in my living room.

Please document every single moment of this endeavor.

6:42 PM  

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