Don't stand so close to me

I was driving to work this morning- wait, that should read: I was stopping and going in the car this morning, wishing I had taken a cup of coffee along on the drive, then feeling glad that I hadn't, since my very full bladder probably couldn't take the pressure, then musing about this particular stretch of highway, how I'd been rear-ended three times right about here, and yet I keep driving this same route because it's just a little faster than the alternate, and boy, it's been a while since I've been hit...

You know what's coming, don't you? I was not so insightful.

BAM! My head slammed back into the head rest, the change drawer in the dash flew out, spilling coins into the car, the garage door opener fell down off the visor and hit me in the head, and my flip flop flopped off. "Son. of. a. BITCH" I muttered, and shakily maneuvered to the side of the road. The lady who rammed into me pulled over behind me and jumped out of her car before I had figured out how to unhook the seatbelt that had locked up around my sternum like a straightjacket. I stepped out of the car and winced at the twinge in my neck. Fabulous. The Rammer rushed toward me.

Ram-a-lot (grinning nervously): Your car looks fine!

Q (scrutinizing the Honda's bumper, rubbing my neck): Fuuuck.

Ram 'n Cheese: This isn't even my car! I work part-time delivering cars for a wholesaler! ("not very good at it, are you?" went the voice in my head) ARE YOU OKAY?!

Q: I guess so. It's probably a good idea to exchange information anyway, though.

(We retreat to our cars for a moment and meet back at the crime scene.)

We B Rammin': Here's my card so you can get in touch with me if there's any damage.

(I do a double take. She is a massage therapist. I tell her I am going to school for massage therapy and maybe, if I don't need to call her about my neck being broken, I can call her for some industry tips. She is glad to help. Anything to avoid a lawsuit, probably.)

Q: Where do you massage?

Viva la Ram: Uh, at a chiropractor's office, actually.

Q (grabbing my neck again): SCORE!!!

Ramma Jamma (laughs nervously): I can't believe I hit you. I swear I only looked down for like a second. I can't believe you're being so nice about this.

Q: Yes, well, I'm turning into a real pro at being rear-ended. But I'll call you if anything comes up, and I'll definitely contact you to pick your brain a bit about the massage thing.

Ramma Lamma Ding Dong: Sure thing! Seriously, if there's any damage to your car, or anything wrong with your neck, we'll take care of it, no problem. I'm an honest person, and fortunately I seem to run into a lot of other honest people.

Q: Literally, it seems.

(she wasn't as pleased with the joke as I was)

And, scene.

4 comment:

Anonymous skyhawk said...

I hope you're OK! You no doubt already know this, but keep an eye on your neck (a feat that requires a great amount of dexterity, I'll grant you) for the next 24 hours or so.

Quinn, only you would be rear-ended by someone who might be able to help you along on your career path. That's like a scene from a "Friends" episode, really (although the fact she must work part-time shuttling former Rent-A-Wrecks is a bit disquieting on the "Future Options" front.)

3:42 PM  
Anonymous anonymous said...

my favorite was We be Rammin'. Classic...

6:18 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I thought your joke was pretty funny. You are like my sis. She's had several accidents where people rammed her from behind. Er, I mean rear-ended her... BUt not all at the same time. On like three or four separate occassions.

Hope you are ok.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous pickle said...

Okay, I'm reading these in reverse order, and this is now the funniest post ever.

I'm so sorry I didn't know until now! Did you at least get a neck rub out of the deal?

Miss ya. It's been a couple of weeks since my last attempt. . . I'll try to call you this weekend.

3:56 PM  

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