Waiting to jump

All of this waiting is killing me. You'd think I wouldn't have time to worry about much outside of the moment these days, but unfortunately my brain did not get that memo. In a hurry but feeling stuck, driven and determined, but rooted so firmly to Limbo that I keep forgetting to breathe.

Every week in class I'm looking towards the next week when I will have yet another test under my belt, inching closer to the last day when the teachers will wish us well as we head into Dante's fourth and lesser known realm we call internship. I will spend evenings and weekends waiting for people to need massages so I can fulfill the hours necessary to then sit for the written part of the state board exam. Oh, but first I need to apply to take the test. And wait for the application to be processed, of course. After (hopefully) passing the written exam, I will wait to be told when I can travel down to Austin to take the practical exam. Then I will wait for those results. And wait for the actual license. AND wait for my inquiries, applications, business card handouts and networking to land me a job.

[edited to remove work-related commentary. And there was much rejoicing.]

Additionally, in the last week, I've waited for a telephone call that didn't happen, a weighty email that hasn't come, and disappointment to pass again.

Monk got in on the act when together we waited for a show of gratitude or at least an alluded-to case of beer, after spending two hours in the rain laying sod for Sister's sick husband on Saturday.

(No worries on that last one, though, we later spent some time waiting for the margaritas we'd made to do their thing, and they did come through for us. I love you, tequila!)

I am also, apparently, waiting to have an actual mental breakdown for whenever I can pencil in Actual Mental Breakdown Time on the ol' day planner. This new development was obvious this morning when I awoke fresh from a dream in which I had had a full blown, down the rabbit hole, screaming, crying, slobbering drunk, driving on the wrong side of the road, watching a dog hang himself, going to the pharmacist for the anti-crazy pills, changing outfits for the occasion of all the Crazy, self-enforced quarantine at a lake house Until I Can Act Like a Decent Human Being mental breakdown. I think it was nice of my psyche to explore the possibilities while I slept- this way I don't have to try to work it into my life.

Unless that was just a practice run and the real thing is headed my way. Great. Can't wait.

2 comment:

Anonymous skyhawk said...

I wouldn't worry, Quinn. In dreams I have:

* Gotten back together with psycho-bitch-Fresno-ex (several times)

* Strangled aforementioned psycho-bitch-Fresno-ex (just once)

* Crashed dozens of Cessna 172s (the planes I fly) and one Boeing 737 (which I don't... I guess that would explain that one)

* And, my personal favorite -- been chased, captured, and bitten by vampire schnauzers

I wouldn't worry about your dream foretelling anything. Sleeping dreams are just our subconciousness's way of doing one of two things: 1) exploring scenarios without fear of consequence or judgement, and 2) to just go completely Looney Tunes haywire for the sheer fun of it.

It has been my experience that sleeping dreams seldom, if ever, come true. It's the waking dreams you have to watch out for... or aspire to.

In the meantime, watch out for yippy little dogs with larger-than-average teeth.

7:05 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ahhh. Hurry up and wait! Yes. I know it well.

1:53 PM  

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