I wonder if we can afford a landscaper, too.

You know our leak is back, right? The leak we thought we’d taken care of and went back to showering in the closet-ahem-“master” bathroom but someone (*cough* not me) didn’t put the drain cover back on and then someone (*cough* okay, me this time) dropped a cap down there for Clog Into Leakfest Part II?

Just when you get excited about adding more popcorn to the ceiling.

We’ve borrowed a snaking device from the brother-in-law (at what point in this ramble would yelling Snakes in a Drain! be funny?) (no point? Then I’m glad I didn’t risk it), but that will probably end in disaster because it’s commercial-grade or something. Whatever the hell that means. See, here I’m pretending I know what a normal-grade one looks like, and also that I would know what to do with one. These are the only moments in my life that make me wish we were rich (because, you know, all the other moments I’m thinking Money? Ehhh, boring). I’d love to pay someone to come out, rip out the whole bathroom, bulldoze the house and start over, adding more closet space and an Olympic sized swimming pool. Now, that? That would be a spectacular solution to this leak problem.

The plumbing issue has raised other questions too, such as: Why don’t we get someone out here to enlarge the bathroom and fix the pipes while they’re at it? Why don’t we just bite the bullet and sink some money into this place since the housing market seems to be stagnating or worse and anyway, no one’s going to want a house where the master bathroom is so small you can lick the opposite wall while sitting on the toilet (not that I’ve tried this)? While we’re planning the fence replacement out back, why not look into major landscaping and replacing the hot tub with a Jacuzzi of pimp daddy proportions? What is money for, if not for spending, anyway? And why does rainbow sherbet taste so damn good at 6 o’clock in the morning?

I took a good hard look at our cash flow the other day and called Monk up to join me in having a stroke upon realizing our credit card bills for a year add up to what is actually considered a very reasonable salary for an experienced administrative assistant in the Dallas area. I think we’ve set some reasonable boundaries for ourselves now, which should lower our credit card spending to a tolerable level. Closer to what you’d expect to pay a non-English-speaking housekeeper who has yet to remember to show you her proper documentation to work in the U.S., for example.

Anyway, I figure we’ll continue to budget according to the credit card spending of the past, and then have extra cash each month for some major home improvements on our ever-growing list. Home improvements that help us forget we don't live where we want to live, that there is no pool out back, and that the neighbors, in the two years we've lived here, have yet to strike up a conversation. Wow, you say, that is not only brilliant but also very fascinating! Nothing gets me hotter than reading about someone else’s financial decisions!

Watch the sarcasm, buster, or I’ll start detailing our retirement plan.

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