10.17.2006

You should see the other guy

Picture it: Saturday afternoon in a little suburb just outside of Dallas. The breeze is crisp, the sun is bright, the conditions are perfect for a reasonably intelligent woman to set her brains aside, grab the (foster) dog’s leash and head outside.

What a great idea, you’re thinking, give both bitches some exercise! What is not-so-reasonably-intelligent about that?

Well, if you’d let me finish the story (good lord, eager much?) you’d find out: This (previously) reasonably intelligent woman did indeed head outside with the (hyper) dog on a leash. Instead of leaving the yard however, she first took a detour to the shed, brushed aside 12 layers of dust and cobwebs, and dragged her bicycle into the sunlight. “What a wonderful day to get on the bike and have BabyGirl run alongside me, thereby giving her twice the workout in half the time!” It truly was a brilliant idea.*

*If “brilliant idea” is synonymous with “death wish.”

Unfortunately, as the dust and cobwebs would indicate, it had been quite some since the woman had been on her bike. She had forgotten little things like:

  1. Just because your right arm is stronger than your left, does not mean the large dog attached to it can be controlled with ease. You’re balanced on two wheels, for Christ’s sake.
  2. Oh, we’ve done this before with the other two dogs back in the Albuquerque days, remember? And with disastrous results. Mainly because:
  3. Dogs don’t naturally understand that they should run ALONGSIDE the bike. Zigzagging in front of it or trying madly to get away from it are the most commonly chosen routes. And also:
  4. The left brake stops the FRONT wheel, idiot. Do not, under any circumstances, clamp down on that one without applying the one on the right as well, unless you want a concrete sandwich.

Eventually** the woman and the dog worked it out and had a pleasant, if tentative, bike ride/walk.

**“Eventually” in this case denotes “after the damn dog lunged away from the bike, the left brake was clamped in a panic, the front of the bike turned sharply backwards, the right hand let go of the dog, the left handlebar shot into an unsuspecting thigh, then served as a post and pivot point for launching the rider up and over the front wheel and depositing her messily on the pavement (the scrapes on the knee and hands are nice, but what’s really pretty is that, upon closer inspection, one can make out the rubber grip pattern of the handlebar amidst the swirl of purple, green, yellow and red on the woman’s upper thigh).”

The dog was mellow and well-behaved etc. for the rest of the afternoon, which made the effort (and pain) absolutely worth it. There would have been more practice (and possibly higher speeds) the following day, if it hadn’t rained nonstop for the next 36 hours. As it stands, when free time and good weather coincide again the woman, the (damn) dog and the bicycle will be stopping and starting at various wobbly speeds around the neighborhood once more. Because mad spills notwithstanding, she may be on to something.***

***If “on to something” means “persistently stupid.”

1 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

Oh OUCH, OUCH, OUCH. I knew where this was going the minute I read you got on your bike....

Feel better soon...

2:16 PM  

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