It'd be like a train wreck, probably

Monk and I sent out a holiday letter 2 years ago. In return, we received a handful of cards with a generic greeting and a signature. Last year I don’t think we got it together in time to send anything out. But I don’t think anyone really noticed. This year I’m determined to send something out. We’ve bought the cards and we’ll write a little note in each, but that'll be the extent of it. No more holiday letters from us. It's too much work, trying to make our life seem fabulous.

I started thinking, though, what if we we were to pen a real recap of the past 365 days? A nice, behind-the-scenes look at how we've spent the year. Forget the usual embellishments and liberal applications of Susie Sunshine to the not-so-fabulous events. Throw out the positive spin and just be real.

What would our E! True Holiday Letter be?

First, an excerpt from what might have been:

“Monk is still advancing up the Senior Management ladder at work... Quinn is still working in fashion, but hoping to make a career change next summer... The dogs are fantastic as usual and keep us quite busy... Our life is small but lovely and amusing... Tra la la."

And now, let's get real:

Quinn here. Most of you don’t care enough to keep in touch throughout the year, so we're not sure what makes us think you'd be interested in this holiday letter, but what the hell.

Well, it’s been quite a year. Upon my boss announcing a year ago -after the company grudgingly gave me a raise following a stellar performance review- that I wouldn’t see another raise until 2008, I decided they could all go to hell and maybe I should explore something I'd actually enjoy doing for the rest of my life.

8 months of class and internship later, I started planning to be a massage therapist full-time. This will happen either next summer, or when Monk’s company raises his salary enough to reflect the time and effort he devotes to being Corporate Joe which incidentally would probably be enough to support the two of us quite comfortably, whichever comes first. So, next summer it is!

Meanwhile, I’ve lost my mind and have decided to enroll in an intense 7-month massage program that teaches additional modalities and prepares students for national certification. Mostly because I like the pretentious way I’ll be able to say to my fellow MTs “why yes, I’m nationally certified. That means I’m better than you.” I'm definitely not worried about the time commitment- seeing as how we’ve lived here for over two years and only have two friends, one of whom is moving away in a few months, it isn’t as though it will put a big cramp in our social life.

Speaking of losers with no social life: Monk may or may not join a new band in ’07, which will not only help fulfill him musically, it might also give him someone else with whom to share his work stories (thank the baby Jesus). As for me, I have contacted a women’s group in the Dallas area hoping that, out of 180 members, one or two of them will get to know me well enough to meet for dinner occasionally, or grab a coffee, or want to sell me some Mary Kay products, or pick me out of a lineup. I had to go through an application process to join the group. No response so far.

We hope this letter finds everyone in good spirits (mmmm, speaking of spirits, how quickly have Monk and I gone through the vodka this year? I think we set a record!). We appreciate all the cards we’ve received already with your computer-printed signatures on them; it means a lot that we’re on your mass mailing lists. Have a great year, I’m sure we’ll all be thinking of each other occasionally. Happy Holidays!

Quinn & Monk”

Anyone else want to play?

[Wish me luck at the in-laws' this weekend. I think we've picked a better hotel this year. Really, nearly anything would be better than last year's accommodations.]

4 comment:

Blogger Nervous Girl said...

That rules. And your post on last year's accomodations had me nearly in tears. You're wicked funny, Quinn.
Have you ever read "Holidays on Ice" by David Sedaris? If not, I'd highly recommend it (well along with all his other stuff, but this one is sort of relevant to you know, holiday crap.)
Good luck with the in-laws!

11:40 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ohhh. Can't wait to see where you wind up this coming weekend... Heck, we have a guest bedroom. You could have stayed with us! :-)

4:18 PM  
Anonymous kelley said...

Yep, definitely in love with your blog.

I confess, this year we got online and made 30-second, 59 cent photo cards at Kodak Gallery. Which we didn't even sign. Special, no?

But I fancy myself a hero for managing to send out holiday cards this year at all. Look at me, all adult-like and stuff!

10:33 AM  

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