I am not my hair

I’m sure you’re wondering how my little happy hour outing went, so I will skip over the other details of the weekend (like how a class was canceled Saturday due to an ice storm that never showed, and how the clinic shut down yesterday due to another ice storm that –you guessed it- never showed) and just give a summary of Friday night.

In fact, let’s rate it in Cool Points, shall we? 100 being ohmygod-so-fabulous-I-can-hardly-stand-it and 0 being ohmygod-somebody-tell-that-freak’s-keeper-that-it’s-escaped-from-the-basement-again.

The venue:

+100 points for being 10 minutes away from my office, which unfortunately, due to the storm, turned into about 25 minutes of stop-and-go, the rain coming down so hard it was like being in a car wash.

-20 points for having valet parking with the valet spaces reserved in front, the public spaces in the back, forcing people who chose to park themselves to run around the rather large building in the freezing rain trying to find the entrance before their already unfashionable hair morphed into “uh, excuse me, miss, I think something crawled out of the sewer and died on top of your head.”

-10 points for not-so-hot service (not sure why it would take 20 minutes to pour a glass of wine. You don’t have to let it breathe, folks, it’s the house red. Just unscrew the cap and dump it in a glass.)

-10 points for the extra long table reserved in the front of the establishment. Not conducive to having one big conversation, and a little too easy for the drunken 50-year-olds to zero in on the table full o’ladies.

+15 points for the soft pretzel basket. Even though the queso tasted like someone had dipped their bacon in it, it rocked.

Venue total: 75 Cool Points. Not bad!

The group:

+100 points for 15 people (ish) showing up despite the weather being determined to shit on everyone.

-15 points for the event host bailing at the last minute.

+15 points for the majority of the group making an effort to meet everyone else.

-20 for the girl who disappeared halfway through the evening and was later spotted playing pool with some random Former (as in, now balding and beer-bellied) Frat Boy type.

+15 points for the conversation that went quickly from the weather to Real Life topics.

-10 points for two women ditching the conversation to humor ol’ Slurry McPoolPlayer for an hour.

Group total: 85 Cool Points. Great!

(Sigh.) Me:

+100 points for showing up to an unknown venue to meet a bunch of new people all by my lonesome.

-30 points for showing up with The Haircut.

+10 points for not calling attention to The Haircut by touching it, mocking it, or desperately yelling “Make no mistake! I’m much cooler than this I swear! I am not my haircut!”

+10 points for controlling myself, in general, meaning: Not making too many bizarre jokes or blunt comments. But!

-10 points for not controlling myself enough: During the conversation in which the group agreed that remaining friends with exes (the important ones, not the ones from the 23-day “relationships") is no good. I seem to remember a rather authoritative tone of voice coming from me, declaring “the only way you can truly be friends with an ex is if (drumroll, please) the sex was really bad.” Have you heard crickets in a bar before? No? Hang out with me sometime.

+5 points for getting a laugh after making fun of myself for the above comment. However:

-10 points for talking about C.H.U.D. You’d think I’d know better by now. I should keep a reminder card in my wallet about this. No one else has seen this movie, and I am one big loser for being so scarred by it that I can still tell you, nearly 20 years later, what the acronym stands for.

+15 points for leaving on a high note, and getting a few “good to meet you” emails the next day.

-30 points for The Haircut. Second verse, same as the first. Coming or going, the shame remains the same.

Total for me: 60 Cool Points. I call that a passing grade.

6 comment:

Blogger Kelley said...

A rash of bizarre murders in New York City seems to point to a group of grotesquely deformed vagrants living in the sewers.

I suspect I'd still bear the scars, too. Yikes.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

I was wondering if you were going to tell us how it went.

I say keep your 100 points for even going.

(And, yea, I'm tired, so excuse the really-sorry-excuse-for-a-comment comment.)

5:17 PM  
Blogger That Nervous Girl said...

I'd give you extra points in my book for the exes/bad sex comment. That sounds like something I probably would've said too, followed by silence and then "Oh come on, you know you all were thinking it too - loosen up, bitches!"
But I'm obviously not too popular with the ladies.

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I swear we bonded over that in college. That, and "That door is WAY too heavy, sir."

I owe our friendship to Judd Nelson.

Good stuff,
Uncle Ernie's Shirt

10:55 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

I probably wouldn't have been clever enough to come up with the exes/bad sex comment, but I totally would've laughed. If I had been there. Which I probably wouldn't have. Because I would've come up with a really lame excuse not to go.

4:17 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

For the record, if you and I would have had that conversation and you would have made the ex and sex comment, you would have recieved 100 points in my book. I think that's pretty funny.

2:17 PM  

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