And Monday is EKG Day

Chair massage class. Taught by some dude from Transylvania or thereabouts, who fancied up his lecture with magic tricks and boasts about his Halloween-themed adventure park outside of Dallas. Kept offering me a job as a corpse for September and October. I would have been offended that instead of massage jobs getting passed my way, I was being aggressively recruited to play a dead woman, but the man had a certain charm, an intriguing accent and honestly? He had me at “where’d my finger go?”

Ah, Saturday, my ONE DAY OFF each week. Thanks to dumb luck and a foggy morning back in December, I got to spend my ONE DAY OFF at a defensive driving class. And not just any defensive driving class, a COMEDY defensive driving class. I tried to psyche myself up that morning by charging down the stairs yelling “who’s ready for some comedy?!” and “Things are about to get…. ZANY!” to no avail.

The class wasn’t so bad if you can ignore, for 6 hours, jokes of the anti-gay and anti-Hispanic variety. If you can’t, you write something illegible down in your notebook then bitch vaguely about it in your blog.

Also, I’m not going to say that the cartoon we watched about senior citizens getting drunk and driving around, smashing up light posts and groping statues, etc. was worth losing 6 hours out of my ONE DAY OFF, but come on: Cartoon senior citizens having cocktails and doing the Snoopy dance? Awesome.

Also Saturday
Went out to dinner to a little (okay, big) Lebanese restaurant in Dallas. The black light was a little disconcerting (hey everyone, check out the lint I brought!), the French martini was delish, and the belly dancer was the icing on the cake. My restaurant pick was a big hit, leading me to think about maybe possibly adding a little restaurant recommendation list to my sidebar (if only to prove to some of you out-of-towners that yes, Dallas can be a cool place to visit. If you steer clear of defensive driving "comedians" and the Republicans).

Relatively full day at the clinic. Splitting the money with the clinic is starting to hurt. If you live in the Dallas area and you’re not passing my information out to everyone you know so I can get my business off the ground? All I can say is shame, shame, shame on you.

So I’ve been experiencing a bit of a heart flutter for the past couple of months. I call it a heart flutter because that sounds cuter than the Google/WebMD ohmygodyou’regoingtodie palpitation that it probably is. When you call the doctor’s office about heart trouble but you sound relatively calm, they assume you’re not going to die that day and schedule your appointment for Not Anytime Soon.

This morning I went in (finally) and after the routine bits of the visit and a long conversation with the doc, I was treated to my very first EKG experience. If you ever find yourself in a situation where there’s even a remote possibility you’ll need an EKG, skip the lotion that morning. Otherwise the process takes even longer than it should, and your dignity is even more compromised than when you first put on the paper gown.

Since the EKG didn’t reveal much except how relaxed I remain while being groped and alcohol-swabbed and having stickers applied all over my chest and legs, the doctor told me she suspected stress, and would like to hook me up with an event monitor. At first, I was thrilled. When I realized I would not, in fact, be getting a little person following me around all day barking mandates like “no, no, tomorrow won’t work at all for her, you’ll have to pencil in next Tuesday,” and “okay, now here’s the moment you thank her for all her hard work” at the boss, the husband, the teacher, etc., I wasn’t so thrilled.

I’ll be carrying a little pedometer-like machine around with me, and will have to remember to press a little button every time I experience one of my heart flutters. Several weeks down the line I’ll check back in with the doc to confirm that I am not going to die of a heart attack and that I am, as all have suspected for years, just plain crazy. It just stinks that I have to wait so long for my meds.

5 comment:

Blogger Lisa said...

You crack me up.... Defensive driving... Like on King of the Hill?

And we love Lebanese here...

8:48 PM  
Blogger That Nervous Girl said...

- I think I misinterpreted the "where'd my finger go?" bit the first time I read it, as in this guy giving a massage while saying "La la la, just massaging your posterior...and whoops! where'd my finger go?" But that's my dirty mind for ya...

- Defensive driving class sounds like it fell into the realm of Larry the Cable Guy mentality. Guhh.

- I had the fluttery thing before too and I'm not exactly sure what changed, but it's not nearly as bad or frequent as it used to be. Maybe it is stress, because I think it flared up a lot when I was at a job I hated even more than this one. Then again I was still a smoker at the time and probably had even more caffeine. But I know, it sucks and can be scary. I had an EKG done too which didn't tell them much. You know what I think amuses them even more than someone wearing lotion? When someone like me misunderstands their preparatory directions so when they reach under the gown they look confused and say "oh, you're still wearing your bra - Hel-lo! That's gotta come off too!" Oh yeah, I'm just full of stupid surprises.

- Good luck with the monitor thing. I never had to wear one, but at a former job there was a sweet older lady who had to wear one and the other women thought it was hilarious to sneak up behind and scare the crap out of her to see if it would start beeping or something - just an example of the kind of bitchery that went on there.

Holy crap, I've totally over-commented.

1:48 PM  
Anonymous skyhawk said...

You never said a word about the EKG at dinner! How did this never come up?

I've had two such tests as part of my medical situation. Both came back normal, except for a high heart rate ("gee, I'm about to go under the knife... ya think?")

It sounds stress-related, in my wholly-unscientific, no-medical-basis-whatsoever opinion. I'm sure you'll be fine. :-)

11:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent post.

I've been laughing about the "event monitor" for the past 10 minutes!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Kelley said...

I refuse to visit WebMD anymore. Every time I do, I am convinced I am one stumble away from being tackled by the Reaper.

Is that the only kind of defensive driving course they have these days? The "comedy" kind? I guess maybe it's proven to be a more effective deterrent? I know I won't be making any illegal U-turns after reading about it...

4:24 PM  

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