So sexy it hurts

As mentioned previously, Monk and I have been car shopping. Used, new, Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Kia, Hyundai… If anyone reading this sells cars for a living, first of all? I’m so sorry. What a terrible job. You must be hitting the bong on a daily basis. Second of all: Here are a few key phrases to avoid (for future reference), when dealing with potential customers:

“They don’t pay me to guess your budget. They pay me to sell you a car.”

And, paired with that:
“They pay me to tell you what you need.” (Can I pay you to take a punch to the throat?)

“I’m an honest guy, I mean, I’m a Christian.” (I may have actually snorted in response to that one.)

“What is the most you’d want your monthly payment to be?” (Because we’re obviously dumb enough to show our cards right off the bat.)

“Your legs are really long. Are you a model?” (Yep, good logic, buddy. By that rationale, I am also a basketball player, a hella good runner, and a giraffe.)

Folks, Monk actually laughed pretty hard at that last one. Because the very! idea! of me! as a MODEL! It is to laugh! Great hairy chortling at the ridiculousness! Oh my goodness, like I could be a MODEL. Oh that is rich!

(Hang on, trying to compose myself.)

Whew! That was hysterical. Anyway, Saturday evening found us paying a repeat visit to the Hyundai dealership, mostly due to the fact that the car salesman working with us was about as intimidating and smooth-talking as a baby panda. Opie was awfully glad to see us again, helped us with another test drive, and happily bonded with us as we spent the next 3 hours signing up for some brand-new debt. Hey, anything to help a rookie make his first sale, you know? It’s only money, after all. And I can always earn more from my next fabulous modeling shoot.

(Ha HA! You thought that joke was over? Never! It is far too kick-you-in-the-head, pee-in-your-boxer-briefs uproarious!)

We sort of knew on Friday that we’d be going back to the dealership Saturday evening, but didn’t want to seem too eager. I’m pretty sure our number was up as soon as I started humping the tire. But the new car! It is joy! And purity! And has a sun roof! And a weird-looking (“so, this is what the insides look like on this side of the year 2000”) extremely clean engine! And, since the CD player reads MP3 files, it is now the most expensive stereo I’ve ever enjoyed!

Exclamation points!

However, I do have a little problem now: I’m so in love with this new car that I don’t really want to go to work or class or… basically do anything that doesn’t involve opening/closing the sunroof, rearranging my miscellaneous possessions to take full advantage of the excellent cargo space, buff smudges off the door handle with my sleeve, and tool around Dallas with a goofy grin on my face, while the speaker system beats my sense of hearing into oblivion. Or simply standing next to it, drooling in awe. Really, if I weren’t a model, I’d be intimidated by how pretty this car is.

(Oh, the mirth! The earth-shaking humor of it all! When will it stop?!)

Of course, this honeymoon phase will end somewhere around April, when we send off that first payment. Until then, you can find me blissfully skipping through the daisies, hand-in-hand with my shiny new car.

(P.S. Holy. Shit. We bought a NEW CAR!)

3 comment:

Blogger Beckalicious said...

HOORAY! I LOVE new cars. Ours had 13 miles on it when we bought it 5 1/2 years ago. We have no car payments now, but with a new jobby job on my horizon, I'm getting the new car itch. Actually, it's a rash. I might need treatment what with all the other stuff that is far more important than a new car (but less fulfilling and no fun).

8:32 PM  
Blogger Beckalicious said...

P.S. I totally typed something (then deleted it) about wanting new boobs about as much as I want a new car, so your comment re: the dress... too funny.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

YEAY! So excited for you. Sounds fancy and FUN!

12:25 AM  

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